Blowing sunshine…

Feb 21, 2012 by

After a near three months of being unable to update this blog so many things have happened in my life here in Vancouver, B.C and in the world around me that I’m finding it difficult to find a place to begin again.

When I started this blog I left my tongue-in-cheek bio incomplete. I changed it as I slowly began to understand that when speaking about things in the world or about myself, it is ever so easy to convey a flippant or wholly incorrect view of oneself. You could say that I rewrote my bio to be more conservative – just a little boring.  I’ll leave it that way, as it is the door that might lead some in, wondering how anyone so utterly mundane could survive blogging, and out of respect to others who are looking for something a little exciting and can depart to greener pastures without wasting undue time.

I will admit in early December 2011 as the readers of my blog were increasing almost daily that I became intimidated by the sheer number of people who were willing to let me talk about things that are important to me publicly. During the time that I was gone I would come back to the site, on days when I was feeling well enough to sit at the computer for any length of time, and look at the some of the 350K words or so that I had contributed to It struck me that while I was fairly open with who and what I stand for and what the purpose of this meandering blog was I still wasn’t articulating some of the most important things that I wanted to say…needed to say.

So I’m going to start from the beginning and tell you a little more about who I am and what inspires me to write hundreds of thousands of words about subjects that have been written about for hundreds of years, injustices that continue to happen day after day year after year while we are all wholly cognizant of them and tell others we disapprove yet never do a goddamn thing about them.  I don’t know that anything I say here will ever make a damn bit of difference to the world we live in – but as long as I can I will contribute here.  For however much time I have left in this world the words that I share with you here are really all I have.  I do hope it’s enough and when that time comes, and that final coldness creeps into my bones, I can feel that the pebble I threw into this pond and the circles that cascade into infinity will touch even one of you. That is enough for me to feel my purpose here was something more than an expendable body to make some rich bastard richer.

So what is it? What drives some of us, such as myself to freely tell everyone out there who bothers to come by for a visit about our lives, our struggles, and opinions we have on the world? Endlessly mining the internet and literature for salient facts that when pushed together with a struggling intellectual broom present an alternate view of a world that is often quite contrary to most people’s world view? Why do we do it? Do we know no shame? What arrogance possesses us to postulate such things? A deep profound belief in ourselves, our principles, and our purpose is enough to provide the bravery to shield ourselves from the many trolls who only wish to serve dissent, and lust for our collective malcontent. Some may say it is financially driven, others will say it is ego, that five minutes of fame so many crave for much of their lives. As far as being financially driven I will tell you will NEVER be monetized. Ego driven? If you decide to read more of this blog, you will see that I share far too much of my inner self to be ego driven.

I may not be intimidated by any decidedly immaculate intellect but I am indeed intimidated when thousands of you are visiting each day.

In the world of social media things are not much different than they were on the school ground, in the office, or out for a night of drinks with friends.  Like money and power another sought-after human desire is popularity and this triad is without doubt representative of the unrefined, reptilian motivations still present in our hindbrain’s, and in some it is decidedly more present than others.

My life has been complicated and so too am I. I have talked about such things before for example in my piece about Andy Kaufman years ago when I started writing after almost 10 years of trying to conform, to be normal, to please and entertain people. During those ten years I felt like a chameleon – I felt dirty. This wasn’t me.

What makes me want to write to the world when I’m covered in sweat and pain torments me from the moment I wake each day until I fall asleep each night? I don’t want your sympathy.  Just your ear for a few moments if I can.

All my life I have never been able to make friendships based on what I can only guess, could be termed the principles of “normal” people or as a great folk singer said “average” people. Here is one of the first distinctions of the difference between myself and what seems, after years of quiet and sometimes lonely observation of many of my peers: I have never been intimidated by any mind that I have ever met, not because I believe I’m in league with the minds of Stephen Hawkins, Richard Dawkins, or any other person (some may consider this arrogant but please, lend me a moment of your beautiful short life and let me explain). The only thing that has ever terrorized me is the sudden, inexplicable violence and hatred that people are capable of. How easily many can go from kindness to hatred. This is the nexus of any fear that I feel in this world and it is of course tied to my mortality and fear of my death and the deaths of those I deeply and profoundly love. The admittance of this fear of death seems to be uncommon in this world and while I realize that it is human and could be considered necessary for our very emotional and intellectual survival – it’s simply bullshit.

This in part explains my lack of intimidation by brilliant minds and my propensity to want to discuss (some say argue) every point that anyone makes in any situation. Not because I want to be right – I want truth in my life. I don’t want to die ignorant of the world I live in. I’m refusing to live a fucking lie! I’m often filled with a fury at the ignorance that people want to live in. Ignorance and apathy will never provide us with peace or comfort. As an atheist I see religion and those who are fervent in their beliefs, or even those who just hope that it’s all true, as being responsible for some of the most tragic assaults on the human condition in human history – it might be the only thing that competes with the damage that human greed has had on our history and each of our lives. It could be that religion and greed are bedfellows as these are both parturient to power and control of free thought.  Popes, brandishing crowns of rubies and gold, living in luxury, fat and pompous, speak of poverty, starvation, and the damage other religions have done.  If only we could cleanse the world of every cult and religion that exists today. But this is all for another day.

At almost 44 years old, my birthday now in a few days I can’t even begin to count the times that I have seen so-called friends, the mediators, the beacons of light, never a harsh word, never a condemnation tell someone it’s all right, go to bed and it will be better in the morning. While I sometimes hangout with such people for a Saturday night beer, a day at the beach, etc., I’ve avoided most of these people for much of my life. There are those who move through life greasing all the wheels by blowing sunshine up people’s’ asses. There are two kinds of popular people in the world in my mind; those who are gentle and kind and those who are chameleons. I have found much to my dismay that the first are very rare.

I’ve lost many, many friends over the years by not blowing golden sunshine up their ass but by telling it like it is. If you sugar coat a turd it’s still a turd. I’ve always stuck to the conviction that if I lose a friend that I love because I was the only one brave enough to tell them what they needed to hear then I will without regret, without guilt, do or say what I must. This goes further though and while many of you probably agree with the first principle you may not agree with the second. How about when it’s not something that may destroy a life but is merely a matter of decency or principle?

I wanted to say a bit more tonight, but I’m sorry friends I’m covered in a cold sweat and in a certain agony. For me what is more painful than the discomfort of cold and the physical experience of pain is the clouding of my mind and the loss of my words to this cloud of ether that takes over my mind.

My point, if there was any at all, is those who return here time after time, while they may not agree with any or all of what I say, I do know this: they respect that I’m not afraid to be a little different, not trying to be popular or loved. I’m on a quest to find the truths of this world without the perverted worship of popularity. In essence is my personal search for truth in this world and those who are willing to come for the ride I can only give my heartfelt thanks. I hope soon more people will participate in this journey with me either through comment dialogue or if you feel you have something to say yourself and would like to be a guest columnist. I want to be clear here as well in that I would be just as happy to have a  guest columnist that wanted to offer a contrary view as one who wanted to expand on ideas. It is important in this search for truth that everyone feel free to offer their views. Whether we agree to disagree or not.

Until next time,


P.S As I’m still getting the cognitive wheels going again and still not back to the best of health I apologize if the writing is not always the best that I can do. Untill I get to the bottom of this illness that is assailing me I will sometimes need to write under less than optimal conditions.

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